Being able to convert an entire room into a completely dark space, void of all light except a tiny pinhole, which then reflected the entire outside world inward, took my attention at once. I began working through the concepts of camera obscura as a way to explore my experiences with safety, fear, home life, the outside world, power, and powerlessness. Part of the series was taken in my childhood home and the other part was taken in my college apartment while I was at RISD. Growing up I would often look out the window in search of something else, in search of safety which I couldn’t seem to find within the four walls of my home. As I grew up, I learned the outside world also wasn’t safe. As I moved into my own place I was able to find safety but the outside world was still large and terrifying. Therefore, many times I felt powerless to my environment, struggling to find a place I could feel safe in and that wouldn’t overpower me.
In the final image, I took a self-portrait with the city reflected on me. Specifically, a building that I looked at every morning before I started my day. At times this building would inspire me and I would think, wow look at the amazing things people create and what the world has to offer. And at other times I would be on the ground looking up at it, either in awe of its majesty or overwhelmed by its majesty. I often found myself thinking, well here I am in this city trying to do everything I can to become an educated artist that “makes it in the real world” but I have no assurance any of this will amount to anything, and that was really daunting. So here is this huge building, beautiful, amazing, magnificent, and also intimidating. It perpetuates my inquisitions, how will I ever create something as astounding as this, how will I get off the ground, launch my way up and find success in this world through my art, will I ever make it to the top?
Then within a moment’s notice, through the camera obscura, this building appeared in a completely different manner, it was flipped on its head. This large building was upside down, while my small furniture sat right side up. I was so fascinated by this juxtaposition, where at once the large was so powerful and the small things surrounding it were overlooked, they were trivial and powerless. Now, the opposite was true, those small things were noticeable, they did stand out, they had their own presence and sense of power. I wanted to be a part of this, of feeling large and powerful even though I am physically small. So I joined my furniture and let the outside world reflect in on me.
I felt like I was sitting peacefully at the top, while everything out there was distorted. I started asking myself, is the quest for fame, prestige, and power actually something that makes someone powerful or powerless? Because if you spend so much time fixating on having power then don’t you lose sight of the reasons you’re making art in the first place and does this not make you a victim to your quest for power in and of itself? What is the difference between having inner power over yourself and having external power over others? What kind of power am I actually searching for here. In my quest for making it to the top, what are the external motivators that are influencing me, and what do I actually want internally? Do I really want to be at the top? What even is the top? Isn’t “making it to the top” subjective anyway? And if you pre-determine the “top” and then make it to the “top”, doesn’t that assume you have nowhere else to go beyond that, and isn’t that kind of limiting?
So I just sat in the chair, letting hours pass as the world went on around me and as the light changed on the building and on my body. I was in deep thought analyzing these concepts of power, powerlessness, safety, and fear. Concepts that have at times stripped me of my sense of power and to which I was now grappling with. I was just now realizing that small things can have a great deal of power too and that I had spent most of my life feeling powerless because I was small and because I was just one person. However, those things don’t inherently make me or anyone else powerless (even though at times the world would like us to believe that the small are powerless.) I now know that is far from the truth. No matter what the world tries to tell you, about what makes you powerful and what doesn't, or what you need to be a success - they could be wrong, because their perspective of power and success is subjective to their experience, not yours. They could have it all upside down and you could have it all right side up. You can be small and you can be large, you can be powerless and you can have power, it’s all in your perspective and what you determine is right-side up or upside down for you.
Don’t let the outside world’s perspective of what power looks like, control your view of what you actually need to feel powerful inside. Create your own sense of power, outside of what the world tells you that you need to be “powerful”.
Let the world be a part of you, but don’t let it overcome you.
